So, somone with some funny new beer words behind their name has set out five rules for beer drinking in Esquire. I love these rules for obvious functions... and the guides, too, especially the ones that hover between being patronizing and passively hostile. These things are always fun as there is a measure of earnestness swizzled up with a whole heaping helping of silly. This is the goofiest of the Esquire rules:
Sip, Don't Gulp, Your Beer
"You should always take three small sips. First sip you should swish around in your mouth vigorously. That will cleanse your palette from the cigarette you just had, the Dentyne gum you just chewed. Second sip, open your lips and pull air across your palette. That will open up your palette. Then the third sip will give you the true taste of beer."
A sip to cleanse away the ciggies? I don't know. If you smoke you really have not tasted much of anything in years. Sip one ain't going to change that. And opening up your palate with sip two? Where are you supposed to do this? In public? On a date? It's the equivalent of the ticker's notebook tumbling out of the coat pocket just as you get settled, uncomfortably explaining how a friend must have placed it there as a joke. "But it has your name and address on the cover" she laughs as you redden. But achieving "true" taste is just wonderful. Techniques must differ. Me, I need to swish beer behind my moustashe zone, washing the incisors. Rapidly. While wiggling the eyebrows meaningfully. While wearing tweed and referring to yourself as "Magnus" but only within your rich internal conversation.